Confused

So now it turns out that what I found out, is a lie… why would anyone, whether it’d be the husband, relative, or friend lie about anything that could jeperdize a marriage and/or relationship? That is such BS. I am just furious , and confused and so completely hurt that this person couldn’t even think about how I would be feeling. So inconsiderable, irresponsible, and immature thing to do. I haven’t talked to anyone about this except for this person and I just don’t know who to talk to. It’s so difficult for me to talk to anyone, this is the closest I can go, and even here I can’t even say everything. Why? Nobody I personally know reads this, so I know it’s not that. Sigh.

My husband and I have gone thorough a lot, we’ve only been married for four years (in september), and things started off rocky. Then it got better, then bad again, then better, then bad, and now it’s better(better than it has been ever). The thing is, that when things go bad, they go REALLY bad- horrible. I feel so stupid. I’m confused. That’s just how I can put it. Confused about whether to believe my husband- that things are better, and will not get bad… Confused because this is always the case and then it goes bad. Damage has been done, and even now I still think about all those things that happened, so for me that (even if things are better) is always on my mind. Now, that’s all I can think about.

I’m seriously now thinking: Will this “best better” last? Or will it go bad again? Do I wait for it go bad? I want to believe my husband and say that this “best better” will last and continue on. It seems like it will, but will it? Should I take that chance? THAT is the question.

I have to think about what’s best for my baby and myself… so again… the question lingers and lingesr and has been lingering for quite some time now… SHOULD I TAKE THAT CHANCE???

Looking for a job

Yep… I just need a part-time job. I’ve been looking and would prefer one early in the morning, but we’ll see how things are going.

I’ve found something about my husband that could potentially harm our relationship… =\ I feel so confused and hurt, and disapointed. I don’t know what to think, I don’t know who to talk to, and I just don’t know anything.

he is so silly

I still can’t believe how perfect God makes these tiny bodies. Nice and healthy with every counting finger, every thread of hair. He can walk, he can hear, he can talk (or babbles anyway), he can see… What more can anyone want? Tantrums? so what, at least I know he can express himself when he’s frustrated–that’s something we can work on. He scraped his knee? At least he has a knee to fall on, and feet to get up and try again. Seriously, my baby’s nice and healthy and I can’t ask for more.

I have this digital camera that I hate so much!  It’s really not that new, about 3 years old, but what I absolutely hate about it is that it is not rechargable, you need batteries, and I always buy either Duracell or Energizer and it only last one day!!!!! MAYBE two, depends how long I use it, but ARGH!!! So I had to buy rechargeable batteries. I so want to be snapping pictures of my baby, and it always dies on me. SO anoying. I’ve already missed so many opportunities, especially one where my son was trying to lift his yellow bucket half filled with water on to the small garden we have, oh I love to see his tiny muscles work! And I missed it  =/ . Oh, and it doesn’t have good memory space. I want a new one =(

My camera, as I’ve just stated, hates me and is my worst enemy because it just doesn’t like to cooperate with me. Anyway, I managed to get some pictures that I’ve had in there for a couple months now and I just thought I’d put one here and show what a silly baby he is! He was trying to see if he could quickly poke the camera.

revolutionary road- a little like April Wheeler

I finally finished reading Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates, it was very good book. I do recommend it. I watched the movie and, as expected, it was a bit different than the book. I didn’t expect everything, or every single detail to be included in there, but I did expect the big, or important (or what I thought were important) scenes. But whatever, it was all good. I love Kate Winslet, I think she’s such a great actress, and of course so is Leo.

Whenever I read a book, I always find myself relating to one character or another, this time I found myself relating to April Wheeler, a lot. I always admired my husband for being such a great person (I’m not just saying that, cause he’s my husband),  for his “ability to love”, for his ability to be so passionate about things, for being someone that anyone can count on– in terms of needing physical help, pocket change help, a ride to wherever,  and for loving me so much. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when he does things, or says things to me that make me feel like he is such an inconsiderable jerk, and he really IS being an inconsiderable jerk, but he loves me; all he wants is me.

I’ve been questioning my relationship with him for a while now, and it really hurts becuase he is a good guy, and not to mention sensitive. I, on the other hand, have never been passionate about anything, not even about an author, or a book. And what about love? I can honestly say I don’t remember the last time my mother said she loved me, it’s been years. And I know my father loves me, but for some reason it just feels awkward because he never really said it, it was very rare. The last time my parents hugged me was when I was in grade school, and I’m already 23 years old! My father hugged me about a month or so ago, and it is just TOO awkward, I just cannot stress enough how awkward it was. I specifically remember this one time when there was a ceremony at school, I was 11 years old and I received a small reward, along with a few other classmates, and their mothers hugged them so tight, and when I saw them I turned to my mom and we semi-hugged with a couple pats on the back and it was just too awkward, almost forced.

My son is the only one that I can truly say, and know that I 100% mean it, that I love him. I will give my life for him. I cannot say that about my husband. I don’t know but it just makes me sad to be that way. I don’t want to be that way, but that’s just how I feel, sometimes I find myself trying so hard to look at the good side of my husband and concentrate on that and just want to love him as he loves me, and be as concerned about him as he is about me, but I just can’t. There’s always something there that blocks it. And I don’t know what it is. I hope my son is not going to be like that. I hope he can be different from myself in terms of being able to be passionate about things.

Well, this definetly was a long blog, wasn’t it? I’m sure nobody will read it, but it’s okay… it’s good for me to reflect on things.

this Always Happens

I knew what I was going to blog about today, but once I sat down, logged in, and opened up the “new post” page, I’ve gone blank… I want to write! I just get so … I don’t know that word… I can’t find that word… but so “Argh!!” Exasperated? … I’m so bummed out.

Credit: movies.popcrunch.com

I’m watching E News… Isn’t Shia such a cute guy? He’s my celebrity crush right now… I can’t wait to see Transformers just to see him. Haha… no… I think it’s going to be a fun movie… From what the trailor showed, it seems like it’s going to be action packed, full of sweaty Shia…. This is so weird because I will be honest and admit that I have these thoughts, but I’ve never written, or expressed it in any way, anywhere. Nobody knows these thoughts but me. So it feels weird writing it here… It feels like out of the ordinary for me. Lol…

Well… on to my new blog!   http://mommysweethome.wordpress.com

Hey there!

It’s been half a year of not writing, but I’m back… Right now I just want to update my page layout thingy.

Everything has been okay these past months. I’ve been watching my baby grow and I just can’t believe that he’s eighteen months already! I’m glad I have the opportunity to do that, but you know what? I think I might need a small break from him now. I’m with him 24/7 and you know what, time to look for a part-time job. I still want to write though! I’ve been reading again, after not for a while, and also been trying to give myself some writing excercises.

I really need a job… for now, back to the page layout. I hope to keep some blog friends!

Reading… it’s so important

I know EVERYBODY says that, but it’s completely true. I truly believe that reading is very important, especially for infants. Of course they can’t read, but they can listen and learn to listen, as well as follow the words along with the pictures in a picture book. I try to read to my baby, but it really is difficult becuase he’s all over the place. He doesn’t really know how to stay put, or if he does then it’s only for a few minutes and then he starts grabbing the book and banging it wherever he’s sitting at, or just launches it onto the floor. He’s defintely a thrower, he likes to throw things away in the trash can, and he can’t even walk. I’m sure he’s going to flush something valuable down the toilet when he’s able to walk. That’s why we have to pay attention to him! Whoever said being a mother is not a full time job must be wacko.