Monthly Archives: October 2009

still dwelling

After not having read a single thing, other than the Parents magazine, for who knows how many months, I finally read 2 novels this past month. It feels like I’ve just taken a breath of fresh air, and given a nice long sigh after having an unfamiliar weight on my chest. At the same time though, I feel so stressed out because that unfamiliar and troubleling weight has now become familiar and perhaps more troubleling? (is there such a word?)

I’ve read Daphne, and The Diary… ( i cant’ remember the authors right now other than their first name; Justine and Eileen). One was based on an author’s life, one of the characters drew me in because I, very much like her, seem to be living in my head. I don’t do anything social, in fact I believe myself to be somewhat of a socio-phobe, because of my husband I’ve actually been a bit less of a socio-phobe, but none the less I get nervous, and anxious, and just quiet and blend into the background– I’m the observer.  “Silence is your default setting… occasionally punctuated with a sharp burst of static electricity”. (91. Daphne)

The Diary was based on a true story and it is about love… I don’t even want to go into it, other than it has made me think about my marriage a lot. I hate reading love stories cause they tend to be so… well obviously fiction, but this one was based on a true story and it has made me think about my husband. Everywhere I look I’m more attentive to couples and their relationship. The people I see everyday, the people I hear about, just in general people that I know. But then I’m like that’s all superficial/… you don’t see what they go through. My husband and I are very differnt when we’re alone than when we’re out in public or with anyone.  I am now tired of being completely passive. I was the most passive person you would have ever met… and I do think that I still am a little, but after being put through things here and there I’ve grwon tired of it… I may be passive when I’m in public, but not when we’re alone… I don’t know if that s good or bad…. in public he does’nt talk to me the way he does when we’re alone. Sometimes when other people say oh he’s this and thats good… I’m thinking you wouldn’t say that if you heard whatever he’d tell me-the way he talks to me…. sometimes they sayd oh she’s this and that’s good…. and i’m thinking you wouldn’t say that if you’d see us alone… I’m so confused… is it all just a front? is it all just in my mind… i can’t belive that after all these pasts months… I”m STILL, continuously dwelling on these thoughts that I just can’t get rid of… it is killing me… i can’t sleep (seriosly) I’ve got insomnia, I can’t gain weight… I ‘ve lost so much weight and I can’t gain a single ounce back… I feel the way I look… bad… sick… stressed…. when will it end?

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