24. I 24. I am 24. I am 24 years old. I AM 24 years old. I am ONLY 24. ONLY 24.
I hate myself so much for being the way that I am. I am so frustrated with myself. I feel like slapping myself in the face and yellin “Wake the fuck up!” or “snap out of it!”… I’m not the kind of person that says what if, or i should’ve…. I’m not…. but I am the kind that hold on the past, and I just can’t seem to let go… I’ve tried the “just go with the flow” everythihng is fine now and i want to roll with it, and not dwell on the past, especially because it’s not THAT much in the past, pretty recent actually… but grr I just can’t… there is so much hurt back there, it’s difficult to move on without really confronting it… and I tried to but he just won’t have it?
I think I need help letting go of the past and just relax, and enjoy the good ride that it is now.
So I don’t care what I get so long as I get a part-time job. I’ve applied to a college to get my teaching credentials, but I’ve just decided today to go for my certificate to working at a pre-school… I like kids, but I think I want to concentrate more on my writing. Pre-schools are cute and they don’t get homework=less work for me. Plus, it’s not two years. Haha… AND I get to spend more time with my baby! I’m still watiting for an answer from that college, but now I’m thinking: if it’s just for a certificate I can get that at a community college and cheaper. So yeah, there you go. =]
So, being the way the economy is right now, I’m just gonna get ANY job I can get my hands on… I tried for the county and city but the job hiring is currently frozen. No positions available right now. With a BA in Creative Writing, there really isn’t much I can do. So Mickey Ds here I come. Well, that’s not what I want, but if it has to come down to that, then so be it. I want something with books… Borders? Barnes and Noble? oooh what about ice cream shop? Yum… But whatever I can get I will get, I need it.
What I have decided today: No teaching credentials, instead the certificate. Part-time job at retail or fast food (who cares). Once I’m working at a pre-school then I think I can go for my MFA? Going for it makes me so exited and motivated to get everything done fast. And act (like my mother in law says “mas rapido que imediatamente”) faster than immediately. haha… I love her little sayings. I can’t imagine anything faster than immediately. =] …
About my marriage: leaning closer to NOT taking a chance.
It’s been half a year of not writing, but I’m back… Right now I just want to update my page layout thingy.
Everything has been okay these past months. I’ve been watching my baby grow and I just can’t believe that he’s eighteen months already! I’m glad I have the opportunity to do that, but you know what? I think I might need a small break from him now. I’m with him 24/7 and you know what, time to look for a part-time job. I still want to write though! I’ve been reading again, after not for a while, and also been trying to give myself some writing excercises.
I really need a job… for now, back to the page layout. I hope to keep some blog friends!
I know EVERYBODY says that, but it’s completely true. I truly believe that reading is very important, especially for infants. Of course they can’t read, but they can listen and learn to listen, as well as follow the words along with the pictures in a picture book. I try to read to my baby, but it really is difficult becuase he’s all over the place. He doesn’t really know how to stay put, or if he does then it’s only for a few minutes and then he starts grabbing the book and banging it wherever he’s sitting at, or just launches it onto the floor. He’s defintely a thrower, he likes to throw things away in the trash can, and he can’t even walk. I’m sure he’s going to flush something valuable down the toilet when he’s able to walk. That’s why we have to pay attention to him! Whoever said being a mother is not a full time job must be wacko.
I’ve been feeling a bit detached from reality lately. Especially when i go to Riverside. This feeling begins not as soon as I step onto the train but when I step off the shuttle bus and in to the school. It’s such a weird feeling, I don’t know if any one who is reading this has felt it before and know what I’m talking about. I don’t know if it has anything to do with the book I’m reading for my metafiction class (Haruki Murakami‘s The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle) but that detached feeling is there and sometimes it ends with a headache and the headache last all throughout the next day.
I sort of feel just there, almost like if I’m in a liminal space. Like I’m not part of reality but I’m not part of unreality either. I’m just there. Perhaps it has to do with what I do all day in Riverside (two days a week). I go to my classes, maybe talk to a couple of classmates on our way out, eat, read the stories for class, the novel from class and write up critiques and continue writing my novel.
That doesn’t seem unusual to me. Do you see it as unusual? Even as I talk to people, or in class during the course of the day my body is there but my mind is not all there but I’m still able to converse with them on a normal level.
I’m sitting on the train about to go back to L.A. and I’m thinking: if you’re not really there then where the hell are you? What are you thinking all day? And frankly, I don’t know. My mind right now is thinking a little further than what my other half of the mind can grasp… or maybe it’s: my brain is thinking a little further than what my mind can grasp? I’m not sure because I feel detached… almost like if I’m looking at myself (from a third perspective) and I can see my thoughts before I can actually grasp the meaning, before I can even understand. Does that make sense?
Oh my God… almost like if I’m a character in a novel. Wow, I’d be such a boring character. I think me feeling detached does have a lot to do with Murakami’s novel after all… I’m begining to feel like Toru (the main character and also narrator). Maybe i should stop reading him. But it is just too intriguing.
I’ve only made nine pages of progress this past week. Isn’t that awful? I need to have at least ten pages by Tuesday. Gayle went out of town right after class and so she said I don’t have to write one for this week but because of that I want to have at least ten pages so I can get the ball rolling and so far I only have one. Sigh. Argh!
There’s nothing to write right now. I’ve been so busy and so I just been mind blogging to substitute for the time i don’t have to write.
I decided to put a picture of my little boy… this is when he was five months old… playing with his 3 yr old cousin’s truck.
I’m struggling on what I want to do once I’m done with school… especially with a creative writing degree. What is there to do?
Yup! I am so excited!
Gayle told me over the weekend that her editor hasn’t gotten back to her but after thinking it over she decided to take me under her wing after all. Woo hoo! I’m extatic and scared at the same time. Nervous-scared because I hope I’m able to do about 50-60 pages worth of the novel I’m working on and so far I only have twelve pages over the course of three months! Three months is like one full quarter. I’m going to have to write at least five pages a week. I guess it’s not that bad, but if I really want to get it going I’m going to have to write at least ten pages a week huh. I’m happy today =).
I applied for a job through craiglist. I spent a lot of time preparing everything and I hit the “send button” with confidence and very hopeful. You know what happened? INVALID ADDRESS!! Argh! I was so disturbed, annoyed and angry. I send it more than two times thinking I’ve written the address wrong. But no. Invalid address. As simple as that. Invalid. Stupid invalid address. Ruined my day.
I started out happy and ended annoyed. Great. I have so much to do tonight and tomorrow, for thursday’s classes. Time to get to it!
Don’t you just love posting random, yet not random, photos? =)