Category Archives: journal

1week

It’s been a week and I haven’t cried… I’ve felt like crying usually when I’m not alone, so I don’t. I was at “work’ yesterday and it was bad. I had to do stuff so I put myself to physically work when my baby fell asleep, and to get my mind off of all that, or at least supress it for later. I scrubbed those floors spotless! I windexed everything, and then my baby woke up and I was working again. I like taking breaks, but not when I”m feeling like this. I have to do something to keep myself from crying or thinking- physical labor usually does it. Though this time I had to scrub harder.

So i put off crying for when i’m alone, at night… but I can’t cry… It makes me laughsometimes because it’s frustrating… I’m like I’m ready to cry now,where are the tears? where are those feelings i had tucked away earlier? away again i guess. haha

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Tom Petty & The Heartbreaker

Well I won’t back down, no I won’t back down
You could stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down

Gonna stand my ground, won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won’t back down

[Chorus:]
Hey baby, there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down

Well I know what’s right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin’ me around
But I’ll stand my ground and I won’t back down

Hey baby there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down
No, I won’t back down

(It has been a week since I’ve left… at last, I did it)

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still dwelling

After not having read a single thing, other than the Parents magazine, for who knows how many months, I finally read 2 novels this past month. It feels like I’ve just taken a breath of fresh air, and given a nice long sigh after having an unfamiliar weight on my chest. At the same time though, I feel so stressed out because that unfamiliar and troubleling weight has now become familiar and perhaps more troubleling? (is there such a word?)

I’ve read Daphne, and The Diary… ( i cant’ remember the authors right now other than their first name; Justine and Eileen). One was based on an author’s life, one of the characters drew me in because I, very much like her, seem to be living in my head. I don’t do anything social, in fact I believe myself to be somewhat of a socio-phobe, because of my husband I’ve actually been a bit less of a socio-phobe, but none the less I get nervous, and anxious, and just quiet and blend into the background– I’m the observer.  “Silence is your default setting… occasionally punctuated with a sharp burst of static electricity”. (91. Daphne)

The Diary was based on a true story and it is about love… I don’t even want to go into it, other than it has made me think about my marriage a lot. I hate reading love stories cause they tend to be so… well obviously fiction, but this one was based on a true story and it has made me think about my husband. Everywhere I look I’m more attentive to couples and their relationship. The people I see everyday, the people I hear about, just in general people that I know. But then I’m like that’s all superficial/… you don’t see what they go through. My husband and I are very differnt when we’re alone than when we’re out in public or with anyone.  I am now tired of being completely passive. I was the most passive person you would have ever met… and I do think that I still am a little, but after being put through things here and there I’ve grwon tired of it… I may be passive when I’m in public, but not when we’re alone… I don’t know if that s good or bad…. in public he does’nt talk to me the way he does when we’re alone. Sometimes when other people say oh he’s this and thats good… I’m thinking you wouldn’t say that if you heard whatever he’d tell me-the way he talks to me…. sometimes they sayd oh she’s this and that’s good…. and i’m thinking you wouldn’t say that if you’d see us alone… I’m so confused… is it all just a front? is it all just in my mind… i can’t belive that after all these pasts months… I”m STILL, continuously dwelling on these thoughts that I just can’t get rid of… it is killing me… i can’t sleep (seriosly) I’ve got insomnia, I can’t gain weight… I ‘ve lost so much weight and I can’t gain a single ounce back… I feel the way I look… bad… sick… stressed…. when will it end?

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Confused

So now it turns out that what I found out, is a lie… why would anyone, whether it’d be the husband, relative, or friend lie about anything that could jeperdize a marriage and/or relationship? That is such BS. I am just furious , and confused and so completely hurt that this person couldn’t even think about how I would be feeling. So inconsiderable, irresponsible, and immature thing to do. I haven’t talked to anyone about this except for this person and I just don’t know who to talk to. It’s so difficult for me to talk to anyone, this is the closest I can go, and even here I can’t even say everything. Why? Nobody I personally know reads this, so I know it’s not that. Sigh.

My husband and I have gone thorough a lot, we’ve only been married for four years (in september), and things started off rocky. Then it got better, then bad again, then better, then bad, and now it’s better(better than it has been ever). The thing is, that when things go bad, they go REALLY bad- horrible. I feel so stupid. I’m confused. That’s just how I can put it. Confused about whether to believe my husband- that things are better, and will not get bad… Confused because this is always the case and then it goes bad. Damage has been done, and even now I still think about all those things that happened, so for me that (even if things are better) is always on my mind. Now, that’s all I can think about.

I’m seriously now thinking: Will this “best better” last? Or will it go bad again? Do I wait for it go bad? I want to believe my husband and say that this “best better” will last and continue on. It seems like it will, but will it? Should I take that chance? THAT is the question.

I have to think about what’s best for my baby and myself… so again… the question lingers and lingesr and has been lingering for quite some time now… SHOULD I TAKE THAT CHANCE???

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Looking for a job

Yep… I just need a part-time job. I’ve been looking and would prefer one early in the morning, but we’ll see how things are going.

I’ve found something about my husband that could potentially harm our relationship… =\ I feel so confused and hurt, and disapointed. I don’t know what to think, I don’t know who to talk to, and I just don’t know anything.

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revolutionary road- a little like April Wheeler

I finally finished reading Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates, it was very good book. I do recommend it. I watched the movie and, as expected, it was a bit different than the book. I didn’t expect everything, or every single detail to be included in there, but I did expect the big, or important (or what I thought were important) scenes. But whatever, it was all good. I love Kate Winslet, I think she’s such a great actress, and of course so is Leo.

Whenever I read a book, I always find myself relating to one character or another, this time I found myself relating to April Wheeler, a lot. I always admired my husband for being such a great person (I’m not just saying that, cause he’s my husband),  for his “ability to love”, for his ability to be so passionate about things, for being someone that anyone can count on– in terms of needing physical help, pocket change help, a ride to wherever,  and for loving me so much. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when he does things, or says things to me that make me feel like he is such an inconsiderable jerk, and he really IS being an inconsiderable jerk, but he loves me; all he wants is me.

I’ve been questioning my relationship with him for a while now, and it really hurts becuase he is a good guy, and not to mention sensitive. I, on the other hand, have never been passionate about anything, not even about an author, or a book. And what about love? I can honestly say I don’t remember the last time my mother said she loved me, it’s been years. And I know my father loves me, but for some reason it just feels awkward because he never really said it, it was very rare. The last time my parents hugged me was when I was in grade school, and I’m already 23 years old! My father hugged me about a month or so ago, and it is just TOO awkward, I just cannot stress enough how awkward it was. I specifically remember this one time when there was a ceremony at school, I was 11 years old and I received a small reward, along with a few other classmates, and their mothers hugged them so tight, and when I saw them I turned to my mom and we semi-hugged with a couple pats on the back and it was just too awkward, almost forced.

My son is the only one that I can truly say, and know that I 100% mean it, that I love him. I will give my life for him. I cannot say that about my husband. I don’t know but it just makes me sad to be that way. I don’t want to be that way, but that’s just how I feel, sometimes I find myself trying so hard to look at the good side of my husband and concentrate on that and just want to love him as he loves me, and be as concerned about him as he is about me, but I just can’t. There’s always something there that blocks it. And I don’t know what it is. I hope my son is not going to be like that. I hope he can be different from myself in terms of being able to be passionate about things.

Well, this definetly was a long blog, wasn’t it? I’m sure nobody will read it, but it’s okay… it’s good for me to reflect on things.

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