Tag Archives: reading

still dwelling

After not having read a single thing, other than the Parents magazine, for who knows how many months, I finally read 2 novels this past month. It feels like I’ve just taken a breath of fresh air, and given a nice long sigh after having an unfamiliar weight on my chest. At the same time though, I feel so stressed out because that unfamiliar and troubleling weight has now become familiar and perhaps more troubleling? (is there such a word?)

I’ve read Daphne, and The Diary… ( i cant’ remember the authors right now other than their first name; Justine and Eileen). One was based on an author’s life, one of the characters drew me in because I, very much like her, seem to be living in my head. I don’t do anything social, in fact I believe myself to be somewhat of a socio-phobe, because of my husband I’ve actually been a bit less of a socio-phobe, but none the less I get nervous, and anxious, and just quiet and blend into the background– I’m the observer.  “Silence is your default setting… occasionally punctuated with a sharp burst of static electricity”. (91. Daphne)

The Diary was based on a true story and it is about love… I don’t even want to go into it, other than it has made me think about my marriage a lot. I hate reading love stories cause they tend to be so… well obviously fiction, but this one was based on a true story and it has made me think about my husband. Everywhere I look I’m more attentive to couples and their relationship. The people I see everyday, the people I hear about, just in general people that I know. But then I’m like that’s all superficial/… you don’t see what they go through. My husband and I are very differnt when we’re alone than when we’re out in public or with anyone.  I am now tired of being completely passive. I was the most passive person you would have ever met… and I do think that I still am a little, but after being put through things here and there I’ve grwon tired of it… I may be passive when I’m in public, but not when we’re alone… I don’t know if that s good or bad…. in public he does’nt talk to me the way he does when we’re alone. Sometimes when other people say oh he’s this and thats good… I’m thinking you wouldn’t say that if you heard whatever he’d tell me-the way he talks to me…. sometimes they sayd oh she’s this and that’s good…. and i’m thinking you wouldn’t say that if you’d see us alone… I’m so confused… is it all just a front? is it all just in my mind… i can’t belive that after all these pasts months… I”m STILL, continuously dwelling on these thoughts that I just can’t get rid of… it is killing me… i can’t sleep (seriosly) I’ve got insomnia, I can’t gain weight… I ‘ve lost so much weight and I can’t gain a single ounce back… I feel the way I look… bad… sick… stressed…. when will it end?

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revolutionary road- a little like April Wheeler

I finally finished reading Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates, it was very good book. I do recommend it. I watched the movie and, as expected, it was a bit different than the book. I didn’t expect everything, or every single detail to be included in there, but I did expect the big, or important (or what I thought were important) scenes. But whatever, it was all good. I love Kate Winslet, I think she’s such a great actress, and of course so is Leo.

Whenever I read a book, I always find myself relating to one character or another, this time I found myself relating to April Wheeler, a lot. I always admired my husband for being such a great person (I’m not just saying that, cause he’s my husband),  for his “ability to love”, for his ability to be so passionate about things, for being someone that anyone can count on– in terms of needing physical help, pocket change help, a ride to wherever,  and for loving me so much. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when he does things, or says things to me that make me feel like he is such an inconsiderable jerk, and he really IS being an inconsiderable jerk, but he loves me; all he wants is me.

I’ve been questioning my relationship with him for a while now, and it really hurts becuase he is a good guy, and not to mention sensitive. I, on the other hand, have never been passionate about anything, not even about an author, or a book. And what about love? I can honestly say I don’t remember the last time my mother said she loved me, it’s been years. And I know my father loves me, but for some reason it just feels awkward because he never really said it, it was very rare. The last time my parents hugged me was when I was in grade school, and I’m already 23 years old! My father hugged me about a month or so ago, and it is just TOO awkward, I just cannot stress enough how awkward it was. I specifically remember this one time when there was a ceremony at school, I was 11 years old and I received a small reward, along with a few other classmates, and their mothers hugged them so tight, and when I saw them I turned to my mom and we semi-hugged with a couple pats on the back and it was just too awkward, almost forced.

My son is the only one that I can truly say, and know that I 100% mean it, that I love him. I will give my life for him. I cannot say that about my husband. I don’t know but it just makes me sad to be that way. I don’t want to be that way, but that’s just how I feel, sometimes I find myself trying so hard to look at the good side of my husband and concentrate on that and just want to love him as he loves me, and be as concerned about him as he is about me, but I just can’t. There’s always something there that blocks it. And I don’t know what it is. I hope my son is not going to be like that. I hope he can be different from myself in terms of being able to be passionate about things.

Well, this definetly was a long blog, wasn’t it? I’m sure nobody will read it, but it’s okay… it’s good for me to reflect on things.

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Reading… it’s so important

I know EVERYBODY says that, but it’s completely true. I truly believe that reading is very important, especially for infants. Of course they can’t read, but they can listen and learn to listen, as well as follow the words along with the pictures in a picture book. I try to read to my baby, but it really is difficult becuase he’s all over the place. He doesn’t really know how to stay put, or if he does then it’s only for a few minutes and then he starts grabbing the book and banging it wherever he’s sitting at, or just launches it onto the floor. He’s defintely a thrower, he likes to throw things away in the trash can, and he can’t even walk. I’m sure he’s going to flush something valuable down the toilet when he’s able to walk. That’s why we have to pay attention to him! Whoever said being a mother is not a full time job must be wacko.

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detached from reality

I’ve been feeling a bit detached from reality lately. Especially when i go to Riverside. This feeling begins not as soon as I step onto the  train but when I step off the shuttle bus and in to the school. It’s such a weird feeling, I don’t know if any one who is reading this has felt it before and know what I’m talking about. I don’t know if it has anything to do with the book I’m reading for my metafiction class (Haruki Murakami‘s The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle) but that detached feeling is there and sometimes it ends with a headache and the headache last all throughout the next day.

I sort of feel just there, almost  like if I’m in a liminal space. Like I’m not part of reality but I’m not part of unreality either. I’m just there. Perhaps it has to do with what I do all day in Riverside (two days a week). I go to my classes, maybe talk to a couple of classmates on our way out, eat, read the stories for class, the novel from class and write up critiques and continue writing my novel.

That doesn’t seem unusual to me. Do you see it as unusual? Even as I talk to people, or in class during the course of the day my body is there but my mind is not all there but I’m still able to converse with them on a normal level.

I’m sitting on the train about to go back to L.A. and I’m thinking: if you’re not really there then where the hell are you? What are you thinking all day? And frankly, I don’t know. My mind right now is thinking a little further than what my other half of the mind can grasp… or maybe it’s: my brain is thinking a little further than what my mind can grasp? I’m not sure because I feel detached… almost like if I’m looking at myself (from a third perspective) and I can see my thoughts before I can actually grasp the meaning, before I can even understand. Does that make sense?

Oh my God… almost like if I’m a character in a novel. Wow, I’d be such a boring character. I think me feeling detached does have a lot to do with Murakami’s novel after all… I’m begining to feel like Toru (the main character and also narrator). Maybe i should stop reading him. But it is just too intriguing.

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i’m still waiting while my baby crawls

Yeah, Andres is already crawling, well he’s been crawling and now he’s grabbing onto places and pulling himself up and lets himself go and falls on his tiny big butt. I need to start video taping him more. There’s so much I haven’t done to keep those memories phisically there. Need pictures and videos! I have some, but not enough.

I’m waiting for Gayle, I really hope she won’t have to do such an extensive rewrite (or editing?) of her draft so she can work with me on the thesis. Please cross your fingers for me! If she is able to I hope that by the end of the quarter I could be done with the novel I’ve started working on…well actually I’m not sure if it’s going to be a full novel or a short novel.  I’m thinking short but we’ll see how it works out. 🙂

On another note, I haven’t read to my baby poor Andres, he needs to have his brain stimulated with reading and words. I think reading is something very powerful.
Would you agree?

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Reading. Thesis. Baby. Last Quarter.

So I started my last quarter… I’m hoping that Gayle Brandeis won’t have to do a substantial amount of revision on her novel that she just turned in that way she’ll be able to work with me on my thesis. That would be awesome. She’s such a lovely person, you can just feel it in her presence.

Abani never e-mailed me or got in touch with me spring quarter, so I’m guessing he won’t be able to work with my on my thesis, it’s okay. In the end if I can’t find anyone by next week I think I’m going to have to opt for the research paper.

It’s so weird how you can’t control certain things you do, like coughing when you have a sore throat-or when your throat tickles because you’re getting sick- but once you’re baby is a concern it’s automatically controlled. I don’t know if that makes any sense or not. Yesterday was my frist day of classes and I couldn’t stop coughing, how emberasing… but when I have my baby in front of me I hold my cough. I don’t cought no matter  how much it tickles. Weird.

I have a lot of reading for this quarter, at least 3 books a week of reading. How exiting? I’m not sure how I’ll be able to do it, but I have to. I have to get my degree. There were times when I htought that I wasn’t going to make it and I was baout to give up. I really was, but now that I’m this far, it would just be too absurd to let it all go to waste. Five years and a quarter to get one degree? That’s too long, I had so many down parts and so many times that I wasn’t going to make it. It’s taken me this long, how can I just quit now? I can’t. I have to keep going.

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Love of Reading, Writing, Words… What happened?

I use to have xanga when I was a teenager, and that was the time when I use to read a lot. Everyday. Seriously I read so much, a book a day. I was a complete bookworm. Anyway I was reading my old xanga entries and wondered what happened? What happened to my love for books, for reading, for words in general? I wrote very differently, my writing seemed to be a lot more vivid with images and phrases that I don’t think I would be able to come up with anymore. This is awful! I can’t believe I don’t make time to read, but it’s very difficult for me to read, I do read, but now like the way I use to. I wish I could though but that would mean neglecting other things and I just can’t do that. My baby is my number one priority, and then comes keeping the home a bit tidy.

It’s funny because Gayle told us that we shouldn’t worry about cleaning, sometimes we have to put that aside if we want to really concentrate on our writing. It sounds awful, but it’s one of the things that puts slows us down. I guess if I left my home sloppy and messy then okay. But I’d rather not.

Well my story is going all right. It’s become harder to write detailed images and I’m trying to stay with the flow and pattern I start my story with, but for some reason I’m having a hard time. I’m not feeling it. I felt the begining and some things here and there, but I don’t know why I’m not feeling the story. 😦 feeling a bit gloomy becuase of this. I’ve gotta read.

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