Tag Archives: Writing

sigh… writing time

Alice felt the coffee’s steam flow effortlessly into her lungs, filling them with its heat. Her arms’ thin hairs stood up, adjusting to the internal change in temperature, giving her more goose bumps and a sudden need to scratch them off. She placed the full cup gently on the table and scratched her arms though her thin morning sweater, feeling some warmth wrap her from inside and a comfortable feeling began to settle in. She labeled this particular sweater her morning sweater becuase it was the most loose-fitting one; it was thin, which worked great indoors, and it was overused, so it fit her perfectly the way she wanted.
She always had her Folgers’ instant coffee with boiling hot water, but last night George surprised her when he had come home with a bag of ground coffee and a coffee maker even though he rarely drank coffee, Alice wasn’t sure what to think of this. She was grateful for the gift; the thought was nice, but she wondered how much longer George thought, or hoped, she would stay.
She turned her head to the side and covered her mouth with the sleeves of her sweater and drew in a long yawn, and took in the smell of cleanliness. She had just washed her sweater the night before, and it smelled of Morning Dew, the powdered detergent that she favored over the liquid one. The rough powder seemed like a more powerful soap that scrubbed away the dirt instead of swishing it around with the water.

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Speed Stick

Martha picked up a Speed Stick deodorant, took the top off- without minding the pharmacy’s employee stocking inventory behind her- and took a quick whiff. That’s the one she wanted. She smiled and tossed it into the basket. She always liked wearing Men’s deodorant. She never liked those “girly” scents, she liked the cool-just -got-out-of-the-shower man smell. She liked these for two reasons, one, she felt that the womnen’s deodorizer weren’t as strong as the men’s, two, she liked feeling as if a man’s scent rubbed off of him and into her clothes after giving her a hug.

It’s been a long time since she’s been with someone- almost six years. Sure she’s gone on dates here and there but only to keep herself from wanting and longing for someone. After being married to Tim for six years she just was fed up and convinced that all men were the same, but in order to maintain these thoughts she went on dates every now and then just to remind herself who and what she’d have to deal with if she were in a relationship.

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part-time job hunting

So I don’t care what I get so long as I get a part-time job. I’ve applied to a college to get my teaching credentials, but I’ve just decided today to go for my certificate to working at a pre-school… I like kids, but I think I want to concentrate more on my writing. Pre-schools are cute and they don’t get homework=less work for me. Plus, it’s not two years. Haha… AND I get to spend more time with my baby! I’m still watiting for an answer from that college, but now I’m thinking: if it’s just for a certificate I can get that at a community college and cheaper. So yeah, there you go. =]

So, being the way the economy is right now, I’m just gonna get ANY job I can get my hands on… I tried for the county and city but the job hiring is currently frozen. No positions available right now. With a BA in Creative Writing, there really isn’t much I can do.  So Mickey Ds here I come.  Well, that’s not what I want, but if it has to come down to that, then so be it. I want something with books… Borders? Barnes and Noble? oooh what about ice cream shop? Yum… But whatever I can get I will get, I need it.

What I have decided today: No teaching credentials, instead the certificate. Part-time job at retail or fast food (who cares). Once I’m working at a pre-school then I think I can go for my MFA? Going for it makes me so exited and motivated to get everything done fast. And act (like my mother in law says “mas rapido que imediatamente”) faster than immediately. haha… I love her little sayings. I can’t imagine anything faster than immediately. =] …

About my marriage: leaning closer to NOT taking a chance.

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revolutionary road- a little like April Wheeler

I finally finished reading Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates, it was very good book. I do recommend it. I watched the movie and, as expected, it was a bit different than the book. I didn’t expect everything, or every single detail to be included in there, but I did expect the big, or important (or what I thought were important) scenes. But whatever, it was all good. I love Kate Winslet, I think she’s such a great actress, and of course so is Leo.

Whenever I read a book, I always find myself relating to one character or another, this time I found myself relating to April Wheeler, a lot. I always admired my husband for being such a great person (I’m not just saying that, cause he’s my husband),  for his “ability to love”, for his ability to be so passionate about things, for being someone that anyone can count on– in terms of needing physical help, pocket change help, a ride to wherever,  and for loving me so much. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when he does things, or says things to me that make me feel like he is such an inconsiderable jerk, and he really IS being an inconsiderable jerk, but he loves me; all he wants is me.

I’ve been questioning my relationship with him for a while now, and it really hurts becuase he is a good guy, and not to mention sensitive. I, on the other hand, have never been passionate about anything, not even about an author, or a book. And what about love? I can honestly say I don’t remember the last time my mother said she loved me, it’s been years. And I know my father loves me, but for some reason it just feels awkward because he never really said it, it was very rare. The last time my parents hugged me was when I was in grade school, and I’m already 23 years old! My father hugged me about a month or so ago, and it is just TOO awkward, I just cannot stress enough how awkward it was. I specifically remember this one time when there was a ceremony at school, I was 11 years old and I received a small reward, along with a few other classmates, and their mothers hugged them so tight, and when I saw them I turned to my mom and we semi-hugged with a couple pats on the back and it was just too awkward, almost forced.

My son is the only one that I can truly say, and know that I 100% mean it, that I love him. I will give my life for him. I cannot say that about my husband. I don’t know but it just makes me sad to be that way. I don’t want to be that way, but that’s just how I feel, sometimes I find myself trying so hard to look at the good side of my husband and concentrate on that and just want to love him as he loves me, and be as concerned about him as he is about me, but I just can’t. There’s always something there that blocks it. And I don’t know what it is. I hope my son is not going to be like that. I hope he can be different from myself in terms of being able to be passionate about things.

Well, this definetly was a long blog, wasn’t it? I’m sure nobody will read it, but it’s okay… it’s good for me to reflect on things.

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detached from reality

I’ve been feeling a bit detached from reality lately. Especially when i go to Riverside. This feeling begins not as soon as I step onto the  train but when I step off the shuttle bus and in to the school. It’s such a weird feeling, I don’t know if any one who is reading this has felt it before and know what I’m talking about. I don’t know if it has anything to do with the book I’m reading for my metafiction class (Haruki Murakami‘s The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle) but that detached feeling is there and sometimes it ends with a headache and the headache last all throughout the next day.

I sort of feel just there, almost  like if I’m in a liminal space. Like I’m not part of reality but I’m not part of unreality either. I’m just there. Perhaps it has to do with what I do all day in Riverside (two days a week). I go to my classes, maybe talk to a couple of classmates on our way out, eat, read the stories for class, the novel from class and write up critiques and continue writing my novel.

That doesn’t seem unusual to me. Do you see it as unusual? Even as I talk to people, or in class during the course of the day my body is there but my mind is not all there but I’m still able to converse with them on a normal level.

I’m sitting on the train about to go back to L.A. and I’m thinking: if you’re not really there then where the hell are you? What are you thinking all day? And frankly, I don’t know. My mind right now is thinking a little further than what my other half of the mind can grasp… or maybe it’s: my brain is thinking a little further than what my mind can grasp? I’m not sure because I feel detached… almost like if I’m looking at myself (from a third perspective) and I can see my thoughts before I can actually grasp the meaning, before I can even understand. Does that make sense?

Oh my God… almost like if I’m a character in a novel. Wow, I’d be such a boring character. I think me feeling detached does have a lot to do with Murakami’s novel after all… I’m begining to feel like Toru (the main character and also narrator). Maybe i should stop reading him. But it is just too intriguing.

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so far there’s only 21 pgs

I’ve only made nine pages of progress this past week. Isn’t that awful? I need to have at least ten pages by Tuesday. Gayle went out of town right after class and so she said I don’t have to write one for this week but because of that I want to have at least ten pages so I can get the ball rolling and so far I only have one. Sigh. Argh!
There’s nothing to write right now. I’ve been so busy and so I just been mind blogging to substitute for the time i don’t have to write.

I decided to put a picture of my little boy… this is when he was five months old… playing with his 3 yr old cousin’s truck.

I’m struggling on what I want to do once I’m done with school… especially with a creative writing degree. What is there to do?

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it is done… the thesis is on!

Yup! I am so excited!

Gayle told me over the weekend that her editor hasn’t gotten back to her but after thinking it over she decided to take me under her wing after all. Woo hoo! I’m extatic and scared at the same time. Nervous-scared because I hope I’m able to do about 50-60 pages worth of the novel I’m working on and so far I only have twelve pages over the course of three months! Three months is like one full quarter. I’m going to have to write at least five pages a week. I guess it’s not that bad, but if I really want to get it going I’m going to have to write at least ten pages a week huh. I’m happy today =).

I applied for a job through craiglist. I spent a lot of time preparing everything and I hit the “send button” with confidence and very hopeful. You know what happened? INVALID ADDRESS!! Argh! I was so disturbed, annoyed and angry. I send it more than two times thinking I’ve written the address wrong. But no. Invalid address. As simple as that. Invalid. Stupid invalid address. Ruined my day.

I started out happy and ended annoyed. Great. I have so much to do tonight and tomorrow, for thursday’s classes. Time to get to it!

Don’t you just love posting random, yet not random, photos? =)

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