It’s been a week and I haven’t cried… I’ve felt like crying usually when I’m not alone, so I don’t. I was at “work’ yesterday and it was bad. I had to do stuff so I put myself to physically work when my baby fell asleep, and to get my mind off of all that, or at least supress it for later. I scrubbed those floors spotless! I windexed everything, and then my baby woke up and I was working again. I like taking breaks, but not when I”m feeling like this. I have to do something to keep myself from crying or thinking- physical labor usually does it. Though this time I had to scrub harder.
So i put off crying for when i’m alone, at night… but I can’t cry… It makes me laughsometimes because it’s frustrating… I’m like I’m ready to cry now,where are the tears? where are those feelings i had tucked away earlier? away again i guess. haha
Well I won’t back down, no I won’t back down
You could stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down
Gonna stand my ground, won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won’t back down
Hey baby, there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down
Well I know what’s right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin’ me around
But I’ll stand my ground and I won’t back down
Hey baby there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down
No, I won’t back down
(It has been a week since I’ve left… at last, I did it)
24. I 24. I am 24. I am 24 years old. I AM 24 years old. I am ONLY 24. ONLY 24.
I hate myself so much for being the way that I am. I am so frustrated with myself. I feel like slapping myself in the face and yellin “Wake the fuck up!” or “snap out of it!”… I’m not the kind of person that says what if, or i should’ve…. I’m not…. but I am the kind that hold on the past, and I just can’t seem to let go… I’ve tried the “just go with the flow” everythihng is fine now and i want to roll with it, and not dwell on the past, especially because it’s not THAT much in the past, pretty recent actually… but grr I just can’t… there is so much hurt back there, it’s difficult to move on without really confronting it… and I tried to but he just won’t have it?
I think I need help letting go of the past and just relax, and enjoy the good ride that it is now.
After not having read a single thing, other than the Parents magazine, for who knows how many months, I finally read 2 novels this past month. It feels like I’ve just taken a breath of fresh air, and given a nice long sigh after having an unfamiliar weight on my chest. At the same time though, I feel so stressed out because that unfamiliar and troubleling weight has now become familiar and perhaps more troubleling? (is there such a word?)
I’ve read Daphne, and The Diary… ( i cant’ remember the authors right now other than their first name; Justine and Eileen). One was based on an author’s life, one of the characters drew me in because I, very much like her, seem to be living in my head. I don’t do anything social, in fact I believe myself to be somewhat of a socio-phobe, because of my husband I’ve actually been a bit less of a socio-phobe, but none the less I get nervous, and anxious, and just quiet and blend into the background– I’m the observer. “Silence is your default setting… occasionally punctuated with a sharp burst of static electricity”. (91. Daphne)
The Diary was based on a true story and it is about love… I don’t even want to go into it, other than it has made me think about my marriage a lot. I hate reading love stories cause they tend to be so… well obviously fiction, but this one was based on a true story and it has made me think about my husband. Everywhere I look I’m more attentive to couples and their relationship. The people I see everyday, the people I hear about, just in general people that I know. But then I’m like that’s all superficial/… you don’t see what they go through. My husband and I are very differnt when we’re alone than when we’re out in public or with anyone. I am now tired of being completely passive. I was the most passive person you would have ever met… and I do think that I still am a little, but after being put through things here and there I’ve grwon tired of it… I may be passive when I’m in public, but not when we’re alone… I don’t know if that s good or bad…. in public he does’nt talk to me the way he does when we’re alone. Sometimes when other people say oh he’s this and thats good… I’m thinking you wouldn’t say that if you heard whatever he’d tell me-the way he talks to me…. sometimes they sayd oh she’s this and that’s good…. and i’m thinking you wouldn’t say that if you’d see us alone… I’m so confused… is it all just a front? is it all just in my mind… i can’t belive that after all these pasts months… I”m STILL, continuously dwelling on these thoughts that I just can’t get rid of… it is killing me… i can’t sleep (seriosly) I’ve got insomnia, I can’t gain weight… I ‘ve lost so much weight and I can’t gain a single ounce back… I feel the way I look… bad… sick… stressed…. when will it end?
Martha picked up a Speed Stick deodorant, took the top off- without minding the pharmacy’s employee stocking inventory behind her- and took a quick whiff. That’s the one she wanted. She smiled and tossed it into the basket. She always liked wearing Men’s deodorant. She never liked those “girly” scents, she liked the cool-just -got-out-of-the-shower man smell. She liked these for two reasons, one, she felt that the womnen’s deodorizer weren’t as strong as the men’s, two, she liked feeling as if a man’s scent rubbed off of him and into her clothes after giving her a hug.
It’s been a long time since she’s been with someone- almost six years. Sure she’s gone on dates here and there but only to keep herself from wanting and longing for someone. After being married to Tim for six years she just was fed up and convinced that all men were the same, but in order to maintain these thoughts she went on dates every now and then just to remind herself who and what she’d have to deal with if she were in a relationship.
So I don’t care what I get so long as I get a part-time job. I’ve applied to a college to get my teaching credentials, but I’ve just decided today to go for my certificate to working at a pre-school… I like kids, but I think I want to concentrate more on my writing. Pre-schools are cute and they don’t get homework=less work for me. Plus, it’s not two years. Haha… AND I get to spend more time with my baby! I’m still watiting for an answer from that college, but now I’m thinking: if it’s just for a certificate I can get that at a community college and cheaper. So yeah, there you go. =]
So, being the way the economy is right now, I’m just gonna get ANY job I can get my hands on… I tried for the county and city but the job hiring is currently frozen. No positions available right now. With a BA in Creative Writing, there really isn’t much I can do. So Mickey Ds here I come. Well, that’s not what I want, but if it has to come down to that, then so be it. I want something with books… Borders? Barnes and Noble? oooh what about ice cream shop? Yum… But whatever I can get I will get, I need it.
What I have decided today: No teaching credentials, instead the certificate. Part-time job at retail or fast food (who cares). Once I’m working at a pre-school then I think I can go for my MFA? Going for it makes me so exited and motivated to get everything done fast. And act (like my mother in law says “mas rapido que imediatamente”) faster than immediately. haha… I love her little sayings. I can’t imagine anything faster than immediately. =] …
About my marriage: leaning closer to NOT taking a chance.
So now it turns out that what I found out, is a lie… why would anyone, whether it’d be the husband, relative, or friend lie about anything that could jeperdize a marriage and/or relationship? That is such BS. I am just furious , and confused and so completely hurt that this person couldn’t even think about how I would be feeling. So inconsiderable, irresponsible, and immature thing to do. I haven’t talked to anyone about this except for this person and I just don’t know who to talk to. It’s so difficult for me to talk to anyone, this is the closest I can go, and even here I can’t even say everything. Why? Nobody I personally know reads this, so I know it’s not that. Sigh.
My husband and I have gone thorough a lot, we’ve only been married for four years (in september), and things started off rocky. Then it got better, then bad again, then better, then bad, and now it’s better(better than it has been ever). The thing is, that when things go bad, they go REALLY bad- horrible. I feel so stupid. I’m confused. That’s just how I can put it. Confused about whether to believe my husband- that things are better, and will not get bad… Confused because this is always the case and then it goes bad. Damage has been done, and even now I still think about all those things that happened, so for me that (even if things are better) is always on my mind. Now, that’s all I can think about.
I’m seriously now thinking: Will this “best better” last? Or will it go bad again? Do I wait for it go bad? I want to believe my husband and say that this “best better” will last and continue on. It seems like it will, but will it? Should I take that chance? THAT is the question.
I have to think about what’s best for my baby and myself… so again… the question lingers and lingesr and has been lingering for quite some time now… SHOULD I TAKE THAT CHANCE???